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Ha, what a nice Sex and the City episode! It was about �deal breakers�, you know, stuff that you just can�t stand, so you have to leave your lover because of that. That made me think about my former boyfriends. There are five of them. Out of these five, four have made me VERY miserable in their time. The first one, Sebastian, was a reborn Christian. I met him two days before my 18th birthday (which is Christmas Eve�) at a friend�s birthday party. At that time I was part of a bible study group for teenagers. But that�s a different story, I guess. He used to be part of that same group, but had just moved to Erlangen, a town 390 km/ 240 miles away from my hometown (he studied informatics there� I almost always end up with a computer guy�). He was home for the holidays and we spent the whole party talking and talking. In the end I invited him to my upcoming birthday party (two days later). He came. He also gave me a book that we had talked about that first night (still one of my favourites today) and a birthday card with this motive. It�s �Der Seilt�nzer� (The Equilibrist) by August Macke, my favourite painter.
I was very flattered with all the attention I got from him and ended up going to a New Year Eve Christian Workshop with him. On January 1, we became boyfriend/ girlfriend, though we hadn�t even kissed yet. Then he had to go back to Erlangen. Three weeks later, I went to see him for the weekend. We were holding hands and hugging, but he wouldn�t kiss me. Finally, I took the initiative and kissed him. He kissed me back. Then he withdraw and said: �Oh, I wanted to save kissing for later on. You know, once you�ve kissed, something like holding hands loses its magic.� This, of course, was TOTAL BULLSHIT! But, he was serious about it, he had been a Christian much longer than me and I thought that he was the love of my life� So I let it pass! I just �accepted him the way he was�, although he was VERY strange. He believed in �no sex before marriage�. I did, too. Kind of. Later on in the relationship, I was always trying to get him to touch me somewhere below my neckline. Usually, I got him to do it. He always felt guilty afterwards. I also� well� helped him to �get to the peak� (Man, I hope no children are gonna read this, you�re all 18+, right?) But again, the bad conscience was always just around the corner. I can�t tell you how many endless hours of talking about why we shouldn�t do �it� I had to endure. AND WE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX! NEVER EVER! He also believed strongly in being honest to your partner at all times. Brutally honest more like it. Since ours was a long distance relationship, we either talked on the phone or swapped letters. Whenever I got a letter from him, I was so excited about it. Until I had read it. Then I was usually very depressed. But I thought, he was the one God had chosen for me. Can�t say no to God, now, can you? I was miserable, but I thought, Sebastian was the only one who would ever love me. Now I think, he never really loved me. He probably didn�t love himself very much. In a rather slow process, my world got more and more diminished. I ceased to pursue my wishes and my goals. They just vanished. I almost ceased to exist. One day, I told a fellow Christian how trapped I felt. She was way older than me. She told me: �Girl, you�re 18, this is too young to feel trapped in a bad relationship!� On December 28, shortly before our first anniversary, I left him. I felt so very released. I know that most people suffer after their relationships are over. I suffered while mine was dragging on.
Up �til David, my relationships have been quite similar to this first one. I always ended up with men that didn�t really cherish. Some of them were just looking for a girlfriend, ANY girlfriend, when I met them. Others got lured into the relationship by needy me. And yes, I�ve always been VERY needy. And convinced that I�d never find somebody to really love me. A few years ago, Angelika, one of my cousins, told me that her relationship with her fianc� was very different from her former relationship. She said, it had a different, better quality. I remember asking her: �How can you tell it�s different? Why do you know that this one will last?� Now I know the answers to my rather desperate questions: Once the right man meets you, he will be ABSOLUTELY fascinated by you. He will see you. And I mean really see you. He doesn�t just see the nicely made-up you, he will see the real you. He will see glimpses of your soul right away. He will be hooked and besotted by you. He will do anything to get you. He will love you and stay with you because he knows that he has at last found the golden treasure he was looking for his whole life. He will treat you right. He won�t lie or cheat on you, because he couldn�t stand hurting you. He�ll let you be yourself. He�ll listen to your dreams, your hopes and your fears. He�ll know you REALLY well. So well, that he often can predict what you�re going to say or do next. He�ll love you for your little faults and weaknesses. He will not put you down, ever! And he�ll tell you in a nice way when you�re totally in the wrong. I know I sound like a hopeless romantic. And I know it sounds �too good to be true�. But these men are out there. Dave is that man for me. Tobias is that man to my best friend Julia (who still hasn�t read this diary�). So, don�t waste yourself on the assholes! The right one will find you. I was always convinced that what has happened to me would only happen to other people. But it did happen to me. And it still lasts. Of course, we both have our spleens. I just adore some of his and he adores some of mine. The ones you don�t adore, you accept, because it�s part of who he is and you love him the way he is. It�s not pure bliss 24/ 7 as I�ve already told you in former entries. But it�s real and it�s worth it� Gee, I think I�ve got a little carried away here. Dave will be home soon (he just called and said so), so I leave you to your thoughts, all the Best,
PS: I have written this entry solely from a heterosexual woman's point of view. I hope I didn't offend any one with it. I'm all for "be whatever suits your style", so please don't flame me. I've only just realized my one-sided point of view and am too tired to change it all again ;-))
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